Dear Bently,

Today was an eventful day. Okay not really, I just feel like I have a lot of different things to say, and they don't really correlate with each other. So bear with me.

The first is you walked back and forth with me to the dumpster. And on the way we had some deep conversation. We discussed that you are wearing red, like Mario. Then we figured out we were matching because we were both wearing red! At one point I asked you what you wanted to be when you grow up. I have asked this question multiple times, because you never really give me an answer. I'm starting to think the idea is to complex for you. Anyways, you gave an answer this time! You said, "I was to be a pirate like Daddy, and strong like Daddy!" It melted my little mommy heart! I immediately had to call your Dad and tell him! He was touched too! :)

The hard part of the day came when I wouldn't let you play Mario Kart Wii. Can I tell you how much Mario Kart Wii has been such an issue in our house! You constantly want to play it. When you're not playing it you laze around and do nothing and just whine! It's seriously so annoying! You never give up asking! You ask over and over again. Ugh! So today I wouldn't let you play because you had already spent plenty of time in front of the tv. Your whines turned from, I want to play Mario Kart Wii to, "I want Annie to come over. You go to work Mom!" Now this isn't usually such a big deal. I get it. Annie comes over, and all she has to worry about is hanging out with you. Unlike me, who has to cook and clean and run errands and do other such not fun things. So I get it, Annie is fun. But today that was really, REALLY hard to hear. It might have been that you said it right after Livvy had been screaming for over an hour, or the fact that the house was a mess and I didn't have time to clean it and cook dinner. Or the fact that my dinner was going all wrong. But today, it hurt a lot. It hurt me that I can't be the one taking care of you all the time. It hurt to hear that, even if it's just when you're mad, you prefer someone over me. Now, I know in my non-emotional mind that you are just 3 years old and you  of course love your Mommy the most. But I am not a rational person when I am emotional. I guess I just want you to know that I love you more than anything. I am always here for you and I work hard so that one day I can be the one taking care of you all the time. All I want is to be a stay at home Mom. And maybe, with a couple miracles and some faith, we'll get there some time soon!

I love you so much my handsome man!

Love,
Mom

Dear Bently,

You have started getting so tired in the afternoons. You refuse to nap and you don't often fall asleep before 8:30, despite we usually have you in bed by 7:30. Yesterday you were exhausted. I know your tired when you tell me "Mom, I'm so tired!" We went to the store, where you sat in the cart the whole time, then I loaded you into the car. Every time we go to the store, I load you and Liv into the car and walk the cart to the drop off area. I do this, every. single. time. So I didn't think anything of it. I climbed back in the car and I hear your tiny voice say something. I ask "What?" You said, "I lost you!" That's what I always tell you when you wander away from me in the store. I turned and saw your little face, and your lip was quivering. I said, "I'm sorry! Were you scared?" You immediately burst into tears! I climbed out of the car, and hugged you the best I could with you in your car seat. I felt so bad! You were so scared! I told you I will never, ever leave you. Not ever. And I mean it! I'm always here for you my sweet son! I love you!

Love,
Mom

Dear Bently,

Being a mother is a strange thing. It changes you to your very core. Today I came home on break, expecting to find you happy and ready to eat dinner with me. As I walked to the house I heard you crying. I immediately knew something wasn't right. It's hard to explain, but I just knew it. I ran inside to find Annie apologizing to me, saying she didn't know what was wrong. I ran into the bedroom to find you bawling your eyes out on your bed. I can't explain to you the guilt I felt. The guilt of not being there for you when you were in such distress. I knew you were sick. There was no doubt in my mind. I scooped you up as quickly as possible and cuddled you and kissed you. There was no thought of "Oh but I might get sick". I just knew you were hurting and I hated it. Later, you threw up all over the couch. I do not like throw up. In fact I hate a phobia of throwing up when I was younger. But one look in your eyes, how scared you were, the throw up didn't even phase me. All I wanted to do was help you and make sure you were alright. You see, being a parent is an amazing thing. It changes you in ways you don't fully understand. All I know is I would do absolutely anything to keep you safe. To keep you from pain and worry. I heard a quote once that said,

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

This is exactly how I feel about you. I love you so much Bently. I hope you feel better. And forgive me for not being there for you when you were so sad and so sick. I love you more than anything in the entire world.

Love,
Mom

Dear Bently,

Literally 2 minutes ago you walked in to my work with your Dad. It was a normal visit where you covered the white board in smiley faces, commented on the cars you could see on the tv, and twirled in the chairs. As you left though you yelled back at me, "I love you the most Mom!" You have no idea how much my little heart just melted in that moment! I love you the most kid!

Love,
Mom