Dear Bently,

I just wanted to write down to cute things you said over the past couple days! The first is you are always asking to look at pictures of random things on my phone. Sometimes it's something you don't recognize but mostly it's animals. We look at dogs, cats, starfish, ect. Well today you were asking me to look at a picture of a dog I think, and you ask me to "google goggle" it! I had you repeat it a couple times just because it was so darn cute! I hope you always call it google goggle! :)

The second is we were at the park and a little boy kept throwing himself down the slide while screaming, "Calabunga!!" Not to be out down you immediately follow suite, head first down the slide. Though you started screaming out, "California!" Hahaha!  Obviously you haven't seen much ninja turtles! :)

I love you cutie!

Love,
Mom

Dear Bently,

Being a parent is hard. So much harder than I imagined. I guess that's not 100% true. The sleepless nights, the tantrums, the constant need, that all I expected. That I was mostly prepared for. I expected that to be the hard part. But I'm learning that's actually the easy part. That part has usually simple answers. Take naps, time out, and endless patience. The hard part is the problems where the answers aren't so easy. Where you don't know the right answer or if there is one. 

I talked to you about your fears. It's been a struggle. You currently are laying in my bed. Every light in the room is on. We have music going and your stuffed monkey sitting on top of your head. You're terrified. So you sit with your head under monkey. You screamed and cried.  You looked at me with a red face, tears streaming down your cheeks, and begged me to stay. To cuddle with you! And boy do I want to. But at the same time, I know I can't live the next months cuddling you till you fall asleep. I'm going to have a newborn. And I need to get housework and other things done. If I cuddle you, you stay awake for hours. I assured you a hundred times your safe and I love you. But leaving and walking out of that room maybe one of the hardest things I've done as a parent thus far. I just want to protect you and keep you safe. I want you to feel safe. I don't know how to help you and it's killing me. So while your dad easily headed down stairs I sit here. In the hallway. Trying not to cry myself. I don't want you to be scared and alone. Even if you don't know I'm here, it makes me feel better. I hope you know I love you with my whole heart. More than I ever thought possible. I never want you to experience any sort of pain. But I know it helps you grow and learn. I just hope you know I'm always here for you. Loving and supporting you even if you may not be able to see me. I love you Bently Elmer. I hope one day you can read these words as an adult and feel my love. And know I didn't leave you. That I sat on the floor in the hallway wishing you peace. I love you sweet boy!!

Love,

Mom

Dear Bently,

I have been seriously slacking on writing you letters! To be fair life has been crazy busy around these here parts! I don't know if I've mentioned it yet but you are getting a new sibling! Actually really soon! I'm due in like 56 days or something! :) You're going to get a new brother! I am excited and terrified to see how it goes adding another one this time around! It's weird because you actually mostly understand what's going on. You talk about the baby all the time and are always wanting to feel him move or listen to his heartbeat. Olivia has no idea, but you kid, you are excited to get a little brother! :)

Okay I have made a list of things I wanted to mention to you so sorry if this letter is a little random!

You say "Ah!" When something is cute! You also put on this high pitched voice and it's pretty hilarious! You'll say things like "Ah what a cute little bird!" Or "Cute little doggy!" You are always making us laugh with that one!

You say restaurant so funny! I keep trying to film it! You leave out the t so it sounds like resaurant. It maybe my favorite word you say!

One of things I love about you that I've mentioned before is you will randomly tell me you love me. Or you'll say it to Dad. Just out of no where you'll say, "I love you Mom!" Every time it makes my little heart melt. :) One time I was going to the bathroom down stairs so you had to go upstairs to go. Well I was stuck on the toilet so I couldn't exactly go to you! Well Olivia and your Dad were sleeping and you kept yelling down at me. I kept trying to loudly tell you to be quiet but it wasn't working! You were just yelling down random things about going to the potty or what we were going to do that day. I kept getting more and more frustrated till finally you yelled down "MOM" and I snapped, "What!!!"  In a little bit quieter voice you say, "I love you!" Talk about making me feel guilty! You little stinker! :)

You have this weird tick lately where the toilet lids always have to be shut. I think it's because you've witnessed me drop quite a few things into the toilet and it's made you paranoid! Ops! Sometimes I'll barley stand up after using the bathroom and you are right behind me shutting it. I mean they have to be shut. So often you'll yell to me, "shut the toilet mom!" It's not such a bad thing I guess. Just kind of a strange thing for you to be worried about! ;)

The other day I was talking to you and out of no where you said, "You're a good mom" Let me tell you that just made my entire year! I couldn't believe you would think to say something like that all by yourself! Especially on a day where I wasn't feeling like a good mom. It's moments like those that make all the frustrating ones worth it! You are so cute my son and I just can't help but love you to pieces!

Another cute story is you were praying the other night and you just recently have started to switch up your prayers. You used to always say the same thing. It went like this. "Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for this day. Thank you for Dad, Mom, Olivia, Bently, and baby. Please bless I'll sleep all night long. In the  name of Jesus Christ Amen." So when you started switching it up I got really excited because you currently say pretty much 100% of the prayers in our house! Well one night you said, "Please bless we'll be a family forever and have fun!" I can't even tell you how much I hope we'll be a family forever! :) I'm glad you want to keep us around!

The last thing is your fears. You've always been a pretty anxious child but lately something has really triggered fears in you. You refuse to be left alone anywhere. You won't go anywhere without me or Dad or Liv and you are terrified to sleep at night. I feel but and frustrated all at once! It's frustrating because you can't tell me what you're afraid of. You just say everything! You will sleep with Olivia but she cries if you go in there before she's asleep. Before I would just have you fall asleep in our room and then move you once you were both asleep. Obviously that doesn't work anymore. I can't decide if I should coddle you or give you some tough love! Last night was the worst! I couldn't get Olivia to sleep and you wouldn't sleep and I had been trying for an hour and a half. Your Dad was at work so it was just me and I was pregnant emotional and done. I just wanted to get things done and I was tired of sitting in my room waiting for you to go to sleep, again, for 90 minutes! Finally you said, "Mom" and I snapped, "What Bently!?!" Well I guess you were emotional too because you burst into tears and sobbed, "Don't yell at me, I'm tired and sick!" (You have a cold) It broke my heart and I felt so bad for snapping at you! (I didn't yell by the way). I immediately cuddled you in bed and told you how sorry I was! I'm working on patience but it is not an easy thing to gain that's for sure! I hope we can figure out what's scaring you so badly. It's gotten to the point where you won't even go to the bathroom by yourself because you're scared. Wish us luck figuring out how to help you!

I love you more than I could put into words Bently! I love 4 year old you! I love hearing what you are thinking and what you want. I could listen to you talk all day, and I do! ;)

Love,
Mom