Dear Bently,

Being a parent is hard. So much harder than I imagined. I guess that's not 100% true. The sleepless nights, the tantrums, the constant need, that all I expected. That I was mostly prepared for. I expected that to be the hard part. But I'm learning that's actually the easy part. That part has usually simple answers. Take naps, time out, and endless patience. The hard part is the problems where the answers aren't so easy. Where you don't know the right answer or if there is one. 

I talked to you about your fears. It's been a struggle. You currently are laying in my bed. Every light in the room is on. We have music going and your stuffed monkey sitting on top of your head. You're terrified. So you sit with your head under monkey. You screamed and cried.  You looked at me with a red face, tears streaming down your cheeks, and begged me to stay. To cuddle with you! And boy do I want to. But at the same time, I know I can't live the next months cuddling you till you fall asleep. I'm going to have a newborn. And I need to get housework and other things done. If I cuddle you, you stay awake for hours. I assured you a hundred times your safe and I love you. But leaving and walking out of that room maybe one of the hardest things I've done as a parent thus far. I just want to protect you and keep you safe. I want you to feel safe. I don't know how to help you and it's killing me. So while your dad easily headed down stairs I sit here. In the hallway. Trying not to cry myself. I don't want you to be scared and alone. Even if you don't know I'm here, it makes me feel better. I hope you know I love you with my whole heart. More than I ever thought possible. I never want you to experience any sort of pain. But I know it helps you grow and learn. I just hope you know I'm always here for you. Loving and supporting you even if you may not be able to see me. I love you Bently Elmer. I hope one day you can read these words as an adult and feel my love. And know I didn't leave you. That I sat on the floor in the hallway wishing you peace. I love you sweet boy!!

Love,

Mom